Choosing the path...

We decided to spend the weekend together in his new house...kind of like a mini-move-in. I cleaned his bathroom - I mean, hands and knees scrubbing, and jazzed it up a bit with a girlie shower curtain (with dolphins) from Family Dollar...It must be love! He cleaned and organized his bedroom (Finally!) I can't believe how much I get turned on just by cleaning! It was a palooza! Or it could be because I'll be leaving for the next 3 weekends.

Anyhow, in the middle of you know what, he tells me that he needs more of a manly shower curtain. I couldn't help but burst out laughing at that one. I will look for one, I said, but in the meantime, this one will have to do! (It was only 10 dollars and I'm working on a limited budget, here!) I am secretly hoping that he will just forget about it...but that might be hard to do everytime he hits the bathroom for a manly mission...

The weekend was great, but I found that I missed an entirely beautiful day outside, however. On the drive home yesterday, I felt invigorated from the cool air and sunny day - but surprisingly, a little sad. I felt like a freed bird. It is my nature - to want to run - to explore - to be anywhere but where I am at that moment. There are so many choices to make in this world. I must remember that choosing is the difficult part. The "choice" will never be right or wrong or better or worse - just...different.

The next step...

he bought a house.
he asked me for my ring size and then told me to forget he asked.
he knows i'm not ready today.
but maybe i will be tomorrow.
for once, i am looking forward.
into the scary, unpredictable future.
maybe my life is not boring - just different.
i'm ready for baby steps.
pun intended.

Just do it.

Thesis...is...due....

Graduation is so close, yet so far. My lips are dripping with it.

I instead, use B&J Fudge Brownie to satisfy that craving. The 10 extra pounds I put on this year has been difficult to take - the spiral is starting. I must graduate - so I stress eat. I am stressing cuz I'm fat. So I do nothing.

I must stress-work out instead, maybe I'll start feeling better and even accomplish more. It's so much easier to scoop it into my mouth than to move my ass off the couch.

I indulge in reality tv - hoping one day, my life will be as exciting as it once was (See TantraRant )

Thesis is due. So do it.

A better friend...

today i will try to voice what i'm feeling, but i may fail because i'm not as eloquent as the words you write and that is ok...but i will try...

i feel i need to reach out because you don't really understand and probably feel a little confused - and possibly a little more alone because of it.

it's not because we are far apart.
it's not because we lead different lives.
it's not because we made different choices.
it's not because i don't understand where you are.
it's not because i don't understand where you are going.
it's not because i don't love you anymore.

it's because i once felt like i was always the one to reach out without a return.
it's because i once felt like we were in a silent war - always competing for the same attention.
it's because i once felt it was conditional to be your friend...
it's because even though we are much alike, we still differ in many ways...
it's because sometimes there are no reasons - life just happens - and i just don't know why. i just don't know why.

but today i decided to voice what i was feeling - so its out there and can float away...

...so maybe we can meet on the dock for the first time, and be surprised to meet someone so much like each other - so different from each other - so amazing...

today i decided that we've grown up.

today i decided that all the reasons above no longer matter to me.
today i decided that i still love you ...and today i decided that i will try harder to be a better friend to you.

Crossing Over?

I had a dream the other night that I was walking through my grandparents house with my brother. He was leading me by the hand through one of the bedrooms. I felt like I was floating. When we entered the bedroom, I passed by a casket and I immediately put my hands on top of it and said "Hi grandma".

My brother looked at me and said "did you feel it?" I shook my head no. He walked me back outside the room and re-entered. As I passed the door portal, I felt a rush of cold air sweep through me -chilling me to the bone. I said again, eerily, but calmly, "ahhhh, grandma!"

Brother looked at me surprised, shook his head and said, "No! Grandpa." I shivered. Then I woke up.

I was dripping with sweat. And felt for the first time, that I may have just had one of those spiritual connections that you don't really believe when you hear about it or see it on tv. Not a ghostly apparation - but truly contact with someone - rather someTHING - and it was trying to tell me something. I was terrified and elated at the same time.

Everytime I think about it, I get the same shiver. I feel an elevated sense of consciousness, like I really touched something from the beyond. It's surreal.

Perhaps it has something to do with my revelation about having faith. Regardless, I feel...calm. Comfort. A sense that something out there is really leading me - I just need to listen more...

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I know alot of you out there really don't want to listen to one of a pair rave about her wonderfully cheesy valentines day...but in 35 years of a nothing-special holiday, I deserve to tell.

As you may have read, I struggle with the commitmentphobic, single, independent "I don't need anyone" "my eggs are getting old" mentality - and my unexpected, wonderfully romantic, wants a family faster than I can blink, but sometimes needy and a little smothering, much younger, but more mature than I am boyfriend (he is 12 years younger.)

No one ever expected this wild child would ever settle down with someone completely opposite. But lately, quite alot actually, we have been seriously discussing marriage. GG is seriously considering buying a house. Folks, it is going down this year. For sure. It is just a matter of when. I'm freaking the fuck out.

My mother phoned a few nights ago - " just checking in" she said. This means, she sensed I was needing her. She is spooky like that. So I begin to tell her that GG is considering purchase a house...blah, blah, blah, how do I know when it is right to get married....blah blah blah...and oh, yeah, mom - why am I so afraid of taking this next step? Why do I constantly have to control everything? By the way, can you send me your brownie recipe? And if you had to do it all over again - get married, that is - would you?

(She was married to my read father for 11 years, divorced him and then and married my stepfather 1 year later and they've been together for 26 years.)

"Yes - but only to your stepdad." That's it, it's just got to be the RIGHT guy! "Are you afraid of losing your independence?" She asks. I immediately defend GG and say that he lets me do whatever I want..."NO," she interrupts, "are YOU afraid that somehow your independence will get lost if you marry this man?"

*Pause* Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink.

"Yes. I am terrified that I will not be the same person. Cool. hip. Empowered, crazy wild do-anything Spitfire."

"Darling, you must have a little faith that everything will work out."

*Pause for revelation*

I've been searching for all these answers about God, religion, oneness, wholeness. It's staring me in the face.

"Mom, you know I think I just realized that 'having faith' is not about finding God or religion or about following some set of rules that meet some criteria and then you are "in" the kingdom of heaven. It's about letting go. About just having faith that things will work out for the greater good and that no matter how tightly I try to hold on to things I am comfortable with, that they will inevitably change, and I, Spitfire, cannot do one thing about it. I mean look, I'm really not the same girl i was 3 years ago...I'm not that crazy and wild person anymore - and that is ok!"

So I have decided to have a little faith - in GG. He deserves it, doesn't he? All those men before him always had conditional love for me. His is unconditional. He has faith and trust in me. I must give him the same in return.

Last night I was up until 3am making - yes, hand made- 10 valentines - 1 for every hour that he is at work. He can open the 'tines at the top of the hour and then open a small gift associated with it. Cheesy, I know. Of course, the final valentine is a pic of me in sexy lingerie tell him to come home and not to be late...i took it with the digital camera he got me for my birthday - I look GOOD. :-) I will be wearing only that and the beautiful 250 dollar watch I got for him...(get it...don't be late...open only on the hour...) ok ok, it's bad, I know. So far, it is one of the most special and fun valentines days I've ever had!

Reflections

I sometimes take a look in the mirror and don't like what I see. A old woman who hasn't accomplished her goals of saving the world and being recklessly free.
Other times I take a look in the glass and see a whisper of a young girl. She runs, she laughs, her hands flail in the air and the world won't stop for her.

Last night I kissed with my eyes open and saw in the mirrors of his soul, a beautiful young woman with possibilities of love and happiness and hope.
I used to think that reaching your goal was the most important thing. I realize now that enjoying the journey is what keeps things interesting.

To wander from the path your on, whether near or far. To look up a the sky as your walking, rather than with your head down.
To fall when you least expect it - and to laugh at yourself when you do. To greet new people in your life - let them go - or bring them along with you.

Oedipus?

We went to Austin to celebrate the big three-five this weekend. It was fun! I, however, just can't whoop it up like I used to - well, I can whoop - I just can't recover. Ouch. Two days! I was a mess. I think partly alot has to do with the fact that I don't workout like I used to at all. Not to mention, my dieting strategies just do not work when your boyfriend is a food-a-holic.

So, this week, I made it to the gym 3 times already. 2 cardio days - 1 lifting. It is starting to help. I'm feeling less sluggish, and I'm starting to sleep better - and starting to eat even less. But I still have to really push myself to get there. I used to go 4-5 times a week like it was nothing! It was like part of my day! In fact, I used to walk 2 miles there and back to get there. I know that sounds like a story, but it is true! I still haven't seen any results on the scale - but you must be patient when it comes to these things.

My boyfriend thinks I'm sexy (at least he says so) no matter what I look like. This is good for my ego - but not my hips. I mean, his mom is a big woman - and usually men are attracted to their mothers, right? Oedipus and all that? Maybe he is subconsciously trying to make me large? Ok, I really don't think that. But maybe there is something to it a little?

Weight: 142 Thesis: 1/20th complete.

To be 19 again?

Well, after the crazy episode last Monday night, things were back to better than normal. We attended my Canadian ex-boyfriend's housewarming/birthday party over the weekend. His new girlfriend is 19. That's progress.

The Canadian and GG are still really good friends and work together- something I've secretly thought was not really good for our relationship as there is this lingering past around me.

The Canadian and I are still really attracted to each other as is apparent to us when we are alone and to everyone around us when we are not alone - most of all GG. We've (GG and I) had our talks about this. He just doesn't understand why I would want to be "friends" with a guy who treated me so poorly. So it's unusual and weird because I have this bad habit of trying to make everyone I've ever wanted to love - love me! Especially after we've broken up! I'm sure it has something to do with me and my relationship with my real dad...blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, we went. To the party. I brought a bottle of wine because I was certain the 19 year old wouldn't drink it and in that way she wouldn't bond with me. (Unfortunately for her, I have already chosen not to like her and decided before meeting her that we would have nothing in common.) I don't know why, but I felt...jealous. She got him to LIVE with her. I couldn't even get him to say he was my boyfriend. What is so special about her? I suddenly feel very old.

We arrive early - I'll admit I was nervous - because no matter how badly he treated me - I still want to impress him - or at least make him regret...I know that sounds really bad. So, SHE (Baby) doesn't even greet me (she must be aware of our past) so I politely ask her for a wine opener so I can start chugging. Then, Canadian walks in and we both smile and hug each other hello. Now I start to feel relaxed - and glad that he is truly happy that I've come to celebrate the whole event.

So he is busy hosting and I just wander a little bit -to look around at the tiny tiny old house Baby's mom bought for them - realizing just how crappy the house is -and lack of furniture. Looks like they have no money - but I see a 59 inch projection tv, 4 guitars, a computer and a 30K car he just bought for himself that was sitting protectively in the garage...

He hasn't changed at all - he treats his guitars and his car better than he treats her...she isn't special...she is just 19...I wonder how long it will take her to dump his ass?

GG walks up to me right then and I smile warmly at him. He would never put me last. I whisper that I don't really like the house all that much, but its OK. He laughs and says that they don't have any money. We will never live in Corpus Crappus permanently.

We walk outside because the fans don't work in the house and the AC just won't cool the house down with all the people in it. At first it is just the two of us...then the Canadian comes out and starts chatting with us. I'm starting to feel lightheaded as GG keeps my glass filled. GG was by my side for most of the night -at least while the Canadian was around- to a point where I the only way I could be by myself was to go to the restroom. It was ok. I like that he wants to be around me.

Then some people that we know start to arrive - and all of a sudden, GG and I are starting to become the center of attention for everyone. We are cracking jokes about each other - playing off each other - a real entertainment team! I remember everyone laughing alot. (It gets pretty blurry here). I remember the wine bottle being empty - and then I remember GG holding my hand telling everybody goodnight...and then I remember waking up in bed...having wild sex. It was awesome. And then it is the next morning and I'm hungover and smell like booze. It's going to be a rough day.

GG rolls over and hugs me close. I'm so lucky to have him loving me. I really can't wait to be done with school so we can start our life and get our own house somewhere in Colorado or Wisconsin...or wherever. God my head hurts. I grin thinking about how great it is to be the cool couple. I had so much fun last night. Honey? Will you get me some water and aspirin? He jumps up immediately without question or groaning or misery.

I suddenly realize the Canadian would never do that. Things are just as they should be.

It's wonderful to be 35 and not 19.