Spitfire Spark

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

So tired...

It has been awhile since my last blog. I have been scrambling to get my crap together so I can LEAVE this hell town. I'm terrified.

As you know, the boy just bought a house (first of all, how depressing is that? I'm 35 and still rent!) I, on the other hand, signed another lease term because...I'm terrified of commitment.

I used to be so adventurous! Maybe the lack of "flava" in my life is due to the fact that I'm surrounded by deadlines. Unwavering deadlines - that somehow get extended to longer and longer and longer...so much that I now cannot plan ahead and I'm terrified that things will not fall into place.

I'm terrified that I will never leave this place. That my life with C is still not yet secure, and that my time is running out on being young. I have got to turn into a grown up sometime, right? I'm terrified

that I have feelings of restlessness that urge me to pack up my car and drive out west again - all alone. To live life - not let life live me. I'm terrified of not being able to be alone enough.

I'm terrified that I've lost my friends along my selfish path of "living life to the fullest". I'm terrified I've forgotten them and more terrified that they think I did.

Most of all, I'm terrified my mom and grandmom will never get a grandbaby -and while I'm off carousing - the moment will pass me by. I'm terrified that I made bad choices in my past I will never be a mother.

And all this terror has now driven me to the point of exhaustion. I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about everything that I should be doing, want to do, and plan to do, and I'm too tired mentally and physically to do it!

Did I mention I was terrified to go ahead and actually graduate?

5 Comments:

Blogger Maple said...

Your true friends will always be there for you no matter where you end up. Don't ever doubt that and if that means you're on my couch, then so be it.

You're life is still adventurous even if it doesn't feel like it. Every day holds new and wonderful things if you just know where to look. You will get through this scary point and you will succeed! Instead of thinking of graduation and marriage and babies, start thinking smaller so that you don't get so overwhelmed. Set daily goals that are achievable and you will make a dent in the big stuff at the same time. You can do it!!

Love you!
FC

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Spit,
I found your link through Networkchic.
You sound like you are at a crossroad in life.Sometimes we need to look both ways,several times,before we feel safe enough to cross.Hang in there.
I like your blog..come visit mine anytime .Thanks for sharing!

10:09 AM  
Blogger The Writer said...

You have more strength than you know. You have strength enough to put your questions and fears on the internet, out in the open for everyone to see. That's strength.
Congrats on the upcoming graduation. Another goal achieved!

12:23 PM  
Blogger Networkchic said...

Oh my dear...being terrified is the act of growing up. When we're young and careless we don't get scared. Don't be hard on yourself for being afraid of change..or not changing. I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to decide to be happy. Whatever you choose, the boy or the drive out West, let that path lead you to your heart.

Go ahead and graduate...life.

6:33 AM  
Blogger Violet said...

I'm sending you a big hug!

7:53 AM  

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