Surprised myself instead

I have to move yet AGAIN. I fucking HATE moving. I would rather be on Fear Factor eating maggots. So, I spent the weekend packing, procrastinating, watching TV, playing Yahoo games on the computer, then packing, and not being able to find anything, I repeated those steps throughout the day. The whole while I was missing GG.

Saturday night, something marvelous happened. It was 9 o'clock, and I promised Athene I would take care of her cats. SHIT. I can never have kids, cuz I'd forget to feed them! Anyhow, on the drive back, I was reminiscing about my bad girl days...and about the last Bad Boy I'd had in my life. You see, I just happen to be moving into the same apartment complex that he lived in when we hooked up. Oh, the drama continues. So I start to fantasize about running into him at this bar around the corner called Murdocks.

I call up GG and ask him if he wants to go for a beer with me there. How sinister is that?

Of course, he agrees...he ALWAYS agrees to see me at my every whim. I tell him I'll see him in a half hour at my place. I decide to take a quick shower since I'm crusty. In the shower I start my fantasy again...but this time it takes an unusual turn. I totally find myself thinking lustfully about GG! Oh, my GOD. This has never happened before...I'm so excited. I decide to change plans quickly since I have about 10 minutes before he arrives.

I pillage through my closet looking for that slinky lingerie set I have (Not to self: I MUST to get a new set since this is the only one I've ever owned...and it's seen more than it's fair share of one-nighters. GG deserves a REALLY special outfit from VS.) I quickly scent myself up with Sunflowers...I love that perfume, too.

I fix the bed up sweetly, romantically, - WAIT candles! I rummage through packed boxed to find my favorite vanilla scented candles...ok, matches, matches...what next?? oh, 2 minutes...my hair..ok, a little wet from the shower...but that looks even more sexy....ok, then unlock the door.....and sprint to the bedroom to lay sexily on the bed for a boudoir moment...ooooo... need to brush my teeth....shit - he'll be here any second....

how do i look?? **turn and look at my own ass in the mirror and shudder...ah, he says he likes it and it will be candlelit, anyhow** ok - 2 minutes late (where is he??) In the bed. Gorgeous. Straps of the negligee fall loosely off my shoulder. God. I'm totally excited by this! And then I wait...and wait...and wait...

FINALLY!! I hope he likes this. I hear the door open loudly (he certainly is not very discreet EVER... give him a break - he has no idea yet) He turns the corner - he put on that red soft shirt I love! Oh, he looks great!

He grins at me mischievously..."soooo...I guess we aren't going out for a beer after all?" Hell no. And he kisses me very passionately. I really do love this man after all.

Server Blues

Oh my god...I was at work yesterday (yes, Sunday) for 10 hours. And I broke the server. Sheesh. Now I'm back in here (7am) and want to pretty much just cry. We have a presentation today at 4pm. I sure hope I can fix this!

Clock is always ticking...but where is the snooze?

Fickle, Fickle, Fickle.

I go from one extreme to the other with EVERYTHING in my life - does this make me manic-depressive? Obsessive-compulsive? I'm sure I can take some kind of drug for it with side-effects such as "rectal bleeding, dizziness, rash when exposed to sunlight, increased fertility, and loss of hair."

I want kids, I don't want kids. I want to get married, I don't want to get married. I want a PhD - I...do I??????

I have been getting my Master's degree for almost 3 years now. if I finish on schedule - it will be 3 and 1/2 years. Ouch. That's like a bachelor's degree all over. Ouch. I was only supposed to be here 2 years.

I'd lie if I didn't admit I was jealous that my girl, Athene, just graduated (we started school at the same time.) She just got offered a job in Fort Worth - and I'm thrilled for her...I just wish I could get my own shit together. Now the truth is that I have been working/paying for school on my own - she's got a hubby who pretty much just supported her for the last 2.5 years and that is lucky for her.

I, however, have just consolidated 70,000 dollars in student loans and I have at LEAST 9 months left here. This is depressing me to no end. I need a REAL job again. Good Guy just insists that he'll support me soon, and when I graduate I can just pay off the loans as soon as possible. He's so sweet.

The clincher: I just met with my professor and he told me some GRAND ideas that I want to be a part of - one of them includes getting a PhD. God - this sooooo interferes with my plans of graduating...getting married...having kids....most of the time, I LOVE being a woman - proud of how strong we are, how much we are physically capable of, how much power we actually hold. But today - it SUCKS. Why do I feel like the clock is ticking so loud? Will a great opportunity just pass me by?? Or am I just too afraid to commit to anything and I'll remain in a perpetual state of student hell???

Life is a roller coaster

I'm so envious of Violet. She writes all the time and I'm totally guilty of sucking up her blog - in hopes of sparking some excitement in my own life. I wish I could release myself from these chains of single-dom that have me churning at the thought of being in a committed relationship.

I confessed to Firecracker this weekend that I just am a total commitment-phobe. This is nothing new to either of us - it is a problem that I have endured ever since she met me, however, I want to shake it and I can't seem to do it without talking about it. Therapy required. It's like I began a habit of dealing with drama - and that my life must be an unending soap opera of desperation and loss of love (oh, poor me!) and fighting and searching for something bigger and better than what I already have. FUCK. I know, I know, what a baby. Whine whine whine. My life could be so much worse...I'm so lucky with my life, but just don't know how to cope with a relationship that lacks any drama!!!

Regardless of my dilemma, I still feel that my man is A-FUCKING-MAZING. He is my best friend. He is just the most giving man I've ever met. For example, he and I have joined his company softball team - he pretty much had to drag me there - turns out I'm pretty good - and we are having a great time.

His teammates, however, don't play softball like we do in Chicago. You know, drink a couple beers while you play - get completely toasted after the game - you know the drill. Well, these folks play DRY. CRAP. I HATE THE BIBLE BELT. My trunk is filled with Bud Light and they all look at me like I'm from a foreign country cuz I like my beer. I feel like a friggin' lush, although, I haven't had a frosty beverage all week. SHEESH. Come on...have a drink with me! Anyone?!! My man comes through for me. :-D We decide to go to this wonderful bar called Truk's and drink bloody marys and pretty much get hammered. I love him for being spontaneous with me.

In our drunken stupors, he somehow tells me that he has "many times" thought about what he would do if we broke up. ?????!!!!!! That he would be sad, but he would be just fine. ?????!!!!!

Many times???? You've thought about it many times???? It dawns on me like a bolt of lightening that this guy reads me better than I read myself. He already knows that I have doubts, he is planning for the worst!!!!

What a shmuck I've been! How can anyone plan for the worst? I don't live my life like that at all. I may bitch about it. But I never plan for the worst, hell, I never plan period. That could be my entire problem.

If I PLAN, I might not follow through, and that means failure. Can't have that, now can we? But does this truly mean failure? I mean, maybe for once I should just take a risk and see how it turns out. I guess that is just life after all - just getting on the roller coaster and seeing what happens - shaky knees and all.