Life is a roller coaster

I'm so envious of Violet. She writes all the time and I'm totally guilty of sucking up her blog - in hopes of sparking some excitement in my own life. I wish I could release myself from these chains of single-dom that have me churning at the thought of being in a committed relationship.

I confessed to Firecracker this weekend that I just am a total commitment-phobe. This is nothing new to either of us - it is a problem that I have endured ever since she met me, however, I want to shake it and I can't seem to do it without talking about it. Therapy required. It's like I began a habit of dealing with drama - and that my life must be an unending soap opera of desperation and loss of love (oh, poor me!) and fighting and searching for something bigger and better than what I already have. FUCK. I know, I know, what a baby. Whine whine whine. My life could be so much worse...I'm so lucky with my life, but just don't know how to cope with a relationship that lacks any drama!!!

Regardless of my dilemma, I still feel that my man is A-FUCKING-MAZING. He is my best friend. He is just the most giving man I've ever met. For example, he and I have joined his company softball team - he pretty much had to drag me there - turns out I'm pretty good - and we are having a great time.

His teammates, however, don't play softball like we do in Chicago. You know, drink a couple beers while you play - get completely toasted after the game - you know the drill. Well, these folks play DRY. CRAP. I HATE THE BIBLE BELT. My trunk is filled with Bud Light and they all look at me like I'm from a foreign country cuz I like my beer. I feel like a friggin' lush, although, I haven't had a frosty beverage all week. SHEESH. Come on...have a drink with me! Anyone?!! My man comes through for me. :-D We decide to go to this wonderful bar called Truk's and drink bloody marys and pretty much get hammered. I love him for being spontaneous with me.

In our drunken stupors, he somehow tells me that he has "many times" thought about what he would do if we broke up. ?????!!!!!! That he would be sad, but he would be just fine. ?????!!!!!

Many times???? You've thought about it many times???? It dawns on me like a bolt of lightening that this guy reads me better than I read myself. He already knows that I have doubts, he is planning for the worst!!!!

What a shmuck I've been! How can anyone plan for the worst? I don't live my life like that at all. I may bitch about it. But I never plan for the worst, hell, I never plan period. That could be my entire problem.

If I PLAN, I might not follow through, and that means failure. Can't have that, now can we? But does this truly mean failure? I mean, maybe for once I should just take a risk and see how it turns out. I guess that is just life after all - just getting on the roller coaster and seeing what happens - shaky knees and all.