Just a little stress...

Just a little background - GG needs to move again because his roommate is leaving to take another job in another city. GG has hinted that maybe we should get married (soon) - and then move in together since the end of our leases coincide. Secretly, I can't picture it because A) How can I plan a wedding in the middle of my thesis? There is no time. B) I can't move in the middle of my studies. The disruption would kill my mini-home network I've set up not to mention my free time and space that I need to complete the project. C) The Panic Room incident has me scared shitless of being a mom to my lover.

Finally, I've had a series of chronic neck/back pains that I have not been able to shake for 5 weeks. I think I have a slipped disc. Damn, I'm getting old.


Now the story...

I called GG and said we needed to have a serious talk on Monday night - after the toilet paper fiasco. I met him at a Red Lobster (I have no idea why - I really don't like seafood all that much) and when he arrived he ordered an ice tea. I changed it to a Long Island for both of us. He raised his eyebrows and settled in. He knew he was in for something big.

I was strangely silent - like the calm before a storm -while we ordered appetizers. I thought I was going to throw up. My plan? To blurt out every possible thing that was bothering me about him - about us - about how I just really didn't think it would work seeing as he was just a big ol' slob and I - the perfect princess - could never live with someone like that.

My interlaced fingers were placed strategically under my chin - applying pressure to the underside of my jaw so I wouldn't start crying immediately. The tears were welled up just below the surface.

"I'm really starting to freak out about alot of stuff," I say quietly -but unexpectedly. Why did I say that? That was precisely what I was feeling, but I hadn't planned on stating it.

"I feel like I'm managing both of us - and right now I just can't handle that kind of responsibility." Another surprisingly true revelation.

"These ideas have all been thrown out there - getting married within a year, buying a house, having kids - but there really is no plan to get there. What do you envision for getting there?"

He looks a bit relieved. I don't give him time to reply.

"I'm the type of person that doesn't need a DEFINITE plan -but, you know, I need at least some kind of guide. I'm freaking out because I have only 6-8 months of school - money will be running out in May - and I will still need to figure out how to finish my thesis and I need to start paying back student loans! That means I need to look for a real job in May. But I need to know how I'm supposed to figure you into that equation, because if we are going to get married in a year - which you so flippantly mention, we need to save money - which I don't have, we need to plan a little for where and how we are going to live and I just can't do all this planning and worrying on my own!"

The tears are flowing now...I'm hiding my face in the salty, tear-drenched napkin I'd been using as a safety shield. I'm completely embarrassed. And the worse part is that the tears won't stop and I'm wiping them, but they are just streaming down my cheeks one after the other. They just won't stop.

"I also can't live with someone who lives so messy - I mean - I'm not all that neat -but I'm at least CLEAN. It grosses me out and I'm tired of hearing myself nag over and over at you at the same things!" I'm starting to hyperventilate a little now.

"Most of all, I'm going to be 35 and I don't have alot of time left to get things in order if we do plan to start a family someday!" I pause because I realize I've spoken non-stop through tears and haven't given myself a minute to even breathe. I am suddenly silent, but just keep crying and hiding my face from the numerous waiters who have NOW taken an interest at stopping by the table every minute.

After a bit of silence, awkward "no thank yous" to the waitress, and a shaking table from my leg jittering beneath it (something I am constantly telling GG to stop doing), I breathe.

"Honey," he says sweetly, " You need to stop all this worrying! You need to focus on your thesis. You need to graduate. That is the first thing you need to do and the ONLY thing you need to worry about. Poor honey. Come on we are getting out of here."

I nod. Grateful that he has stepped up to be the caretaker and appears to be in complete control of an otherwise uncontrollable situation. I'm truly hysterical, but he - as always, a complete opposite of me, moves with grace, fluidity, and strength -he needs to take care of me now. He knows it - and so do I. That is what I really needed to say to him. "Take care of ME. I'm tired of taking care of myself."

So, without even saying it to him, he takes care of the bill while I run out to the parking lot and have myself a good sob by the car. He comes up and gives me his big ol' bear hug(which, by the way, outweighs his sloppiness anyday). And I just have myself a torrential cry. I hand him the keys and ask him to drive us to the Family Dollar. He asks why?

Toilet Paper.
and Kleenex.

We both laugh really hard. Laughter through tears is one of the best feelings ever.

On the way to the store he says firmly, "Honey, I'm going to move in with Genius, you are going to finish your thesis, and when you are done, we will figure out the next thing. ok?"

I nod, suddenly, positively, overwhelmingly - relieved.
I no longer have pain in my neck or back.

He takes my hand gently. He squeezes it reassuringly.

We walk into the FD and I reach for the first box of tissues to wipe my tear-streaked, puffy-eyed face. We walk by a lady in the aisle who gives us a funny look and I state very loudly, but very calmly. "God, I WISH you'd stop beating me! I'm getting a little sore!" Of course, I'm completely joking - It's my sick sense of shock-humor to lighten the mood - and it makes him suddenly realize that I am returning to the old Spitfire.

Later in the car - "Are you sure you are OK?" I nod again. Sniffling and looking at my very red nose in the rearview mirror. I suddenly have an uneasy feeling. I'm either VERY stressed...or...could it be? Nah.

I bought a pregnancy test on the way home.

It was negative.

Panic Room

This week, the water main to my apartment was shut off, so I needed to ask GG if I could use his shower at his house. On my way there, I had this sudden urge to use the commode - and not in a pretty way.

I ran into the house - not even noticing the sprawled clothing and empty food dishes throughout his living room. I made it. Whew.

Wait.

No toilet paper? My heart starts to race.
Be calm. I'm sure there is some tp under the sink - this is 5 feet away - unreachable from my current vulnerable position.

I shake. I squeeze. I sprint knock-kneed to the cupboard...frantically searching in a 3 foot space like it was a 20 foot closet. I skooch back to my position on the john.

I'm in a rage. I'm stuck. This is the most disusting thing that has ever happened to me. Here we go again.

Shake. Squeeze. I sprint to my purse - in the living room - completely naked this time. I sprint back. I dial my boyfriend. Surely there is some in this house.

"TELL ME YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING TOILET PAPER", I growl.

"Sorry, honey, I JUST ran out." *Blink blink* *Blink blink* I'm holding back tears. "Just get some from Stephen's room (his roommate)" I hang up without responding to him at all.

Shake. Squeeze. This time, the journey seems a mile - through hills of clothes. Through dusty dirty floors. Oops. Tinkle drops. Oops. More Tinkle spray.

I see the tp roll in the most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen. I grab some paper - and rather than sit on the john in front of me to finish my business - I run back to my sanctuary.

Relieved. Clean. Giggling to myself. I've left **** Tinkle behind - and prolly a little chocolate shavings. Serves him right.

PMS

His fucking alarm goes off at 5:45 AM and he doesn't get up!!! FUCK. GET UP. SHUT THE DAMN THING OFF!! I don't need to get up for another hour.

"What time do you need to leave?" I ask. 7:30 he says. For Christ's sake! It takes him 5 minutes to get ready. GET UP. But he just lies there. I'm annoyed, but finally I drift off to sleep. BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. FUCKING ALARM #2.

Honey? Are you going to get up? Sweetly gritting my teeth. Mmmmhmmmm., he moans.
GET UP! GET UP!
YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING ME RIGHT NOW. I lay there for what seems like 30 minutes - but in truth, only 1 blip of the clock. 1 minute. It's a new day and already I'm agitated as hell.

"Well, I'm getting up to take a shower," I tell him - before I commit Helter Skelter.

Warm shower. Eek! A bug! Thank god it's not a cockroach. HE IS SO FUCKING MESSY. I COULD NEVER MARRY SUCH A DIRTY MESSY PERSON. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HIS MOTHER. I kill the bug in a tortuous death ritual of smashing with the shampoo bottle and then drowning the little fucker. It's what I feel like doing to my messy boyfriend.

I get out of the bathroom - HE'S STILL IN FUCKING BED AND IT IS 7:25!
I need to leave his house before I have a conniption (sp?)

I kiss him quickly. Tell him his breath smells like garlic from the night before - and bolt the hell out of there.

I have this desire to keep him close. I mean, hell, I'm 34.99999. I need to keep things in perspective, right? If not him, then who? I have this desire to push him away. Break it off. Clean.

I want the family, the kids...don't I?
I have never felt so much at tug of war with myself.

Keep him close. Send him packing.

I think about the night before while I'm driving to work.

It's not everyday you meet someone who will love you non-judgmentally. But I judge him. I go to bed with him - he wants to "cuddle" - which equates to "let me poke you in your ass", isn't it? I get so frustrated with him. With his constant need for sex. Is this really me talking?

Last night in bed, I feel detached from him. Maybe that is why I'm so cruel sometimes, I can't seem to really attach myself to him. I can't seem to spark an emotionally intimate moment with him. We don't have alot of "sparkling" conversations...he not a conversation kind of guy...

IS he the guy for me? I snuggle into him. Big, strong, warm, happy to be with me. Why can't I enjoy being happy with him? Must I always find something to bitch about? I'm disgusted with myself.

I ask him quietly what he needs from me. What are the things he longs for me to give to him in our relationship? It sounded weird. I don't think I've ever asked the guy what he needed from ME. I have been the needer for so long.

At first, I think he doesn't hear me and then I think he'll probably say something like, "I don't know".

Instead, there is a long pause (he has ADD, or at least he tells me that all the time, and I have learned that I cannot demand him to answer more than one question at a time. He is quick to think, but slow to speak. Something that always makes me think he is not sharp - but I've learned that is a falsehood. I know he can't control it, but it PISSES ME OFF. ) I wish he would answer me as quickly as I always sharp-tongue him. But he isn't like that. He is mild-mannered, soft-spoken, and doesn't ask much of the world - or of me, for that matter. Nothing like me at all. I get embarrassed that I'm so demanding and critical and wait for him to respond.

Then his deep, thick southern voice begins to speak. I need you to love me, I need you to hold me, I need you to hug me, I need you to rub me...I need you to please me...I really need you to look at me...but mostly I just need you to be happy with me.


Such eloquence out of someone who does reflect elegance anywhere else in his life. I so admire him for being able to put into words exactly what he means. When he says he loves me, he means it! But do I??

I tear up immediately. He knows me too well, and this is why I love him. I wonder why he puts up with my childish antics. Thank god we are in the dark - he won't see the tears streaming down my cheeks - the ones I've held back years ago- everytime I was with someone who didn't want me to love them, or hold them, or hug them, or rub them or please them and were never happy to be with me. Who didn't want me.

I move my arms around his full belly. I love it. Its realness. It's warmth. I feel small, but I feel safe. Safe with my heart, with being me. with being with him I drift off to sleep...

Reflections

January 2005
- Become a teaching assistant for geology classes
- Continue graduate classes - this time Wetlands Ecology with my favorite professor

February
- Move into a house with a new housemate - Phoenix - she and I are so much alike in so many ways.
- Find out a friend's fiance was killed over Baghdad
- Lost a close friend of the family (Fred)
- Removed 8 moles!
- Spend Valentines Day with GG in Chicago (get to see Firecracker)1 year anniversary!
- Dad and his girlriend visit me in Armpit, TX.

March
-Spend Spring Break in Big Bend teaching students about Mariscal Mine
-Thought I had an STD - turned out to be ingrown hairs. "folliculitis"
-Decide to do my research on a Paleo reconstruction of the S. Texas Shoreline

April
-R/V Explorer

May
-Start new research assistant position working with ArcIMS

June
-Played in Softball league
-First puking night in 3 years
-Goddess presents her project and graduates!!!

July
-Goddess moves to Fort Worth

August
-Start last year of school
-Yet another reserch position - this time designing websites.
-GG and I are starting to have "serious" talks...

September
-Coastal Ecology class
-Met new friends Cornbreand and 3.95.
-Registered for Thesis class/met with committee to confirm Degree plan!

October
-Fred and Wilma Flinstone
-Theological expedition

November
-Finished video documentary
-Visit Goddess in Ft. Worth

December
-Trip to Chicago/Appleton/Muscoda for Christmas - whirlwhind
-Discovered Sodoku
-Trip to Vegas for NYE!!

Whew! That was alot - and hard for me to remember!

Dirty dirty girl

Did you ever have one of those days when you looked around the house to find that everything is awry? Laundry not done. Kitchen not cleaned. It's a horror to sit down to "relax" and you find you can't because things are so messy - yet you can't find the energy to lift your ass off the couch and get it done. It's such a problem that I ended up staying up until 4 am "watching" tv. Needless to say, I overslept for my statistics class and now I've decided that I was MEANT to stay home all along. So I could accomplish all those things and more! I will become a clean freak today!

Right after I blog...

Wednesdays

I don't know why I have this desire to drink on Wednesdays...it's like, I'm being naughty!

You shouldn't drink in the middle of the week, right?
WRONG. It gets me to the weekend.

Plus, there is free pool on Wednesdays.

YAY.

217 days until graduation. Reason #1 to drink.

Ordinary Days

I usually find it therapeutic to blog because I'm upset or distressed about something or something BIG has just happened to me.

However, today is just an average day. I woke up. Went to work. Surfed the net. Decided I was going to go on a South American expedition for 12 weeks in September. You know, the usual.

But I received and IM from my one and only. He projected the time we would be apart to be something like 120,000 minutes. 84 days...

We both can't wait to leave the armpit of the city we live in. I told him that I would rather spend a lifetime in Shitsville loving him, than 12 weeks without him. At first, I was just being funny. Then I thought about it. I realized I meant it.

So it was not an average day, afterall. I have found the one. He is my Neo.