So tired...

It has been awhile since my last blog. I have been scrambling to get my crap together so I can LEAVE this hell town. I'm terrified.

As you know, the boy just bought a house (first of all, how depressing is that? I'm 35 and still rent!) I, on the other hand, signed another lease term because...I'm terrified of commitment.

I used to be so adventurous! Maybe the lack of "flava" in my life is due to the fact that I'm surrounded by deadlines. Unwavering deadlines - that somehow get extended to longer and longer and longer...so much that I now cannot plan ahead and I'm terrified that things will not fall into place.

I'm terrified that I will never leave this place. That my life with C is still not yet secure, and that my time is running out on being young. I have got to turn into a grown up sometime, right? I'm terrified

that I have feelings of restlessness that urge me to pack up my car and drive out west again - all alone. To live life - not let life live me. I'm terrified of not being able to be alone enough.

I'm terrified that I've lost my friends along my selfish path of "living life to the fullest". I'm terrified I've forgotten them and more terrified that they think I did.

Most of all, I'm terrified my mom and grandmom will never get a grandbaby -and while I'm off carousing - the moment will pass me by. I'm terrified that I made bad choices in my past I will never be a mother.

And all this terror has now driven me to the point of exhaustion. I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about everything that I should be doing, want to do, and plan to do, and I'm too tired mentally and physically to do it!

Did I mention I was terrified to go ahead and actually graduate?