Good Guys vs. Bad Boys
I've pretty much run the gamut here. I currently run with a good guy - but incessantly find that my eyes drift...towards...you know it... the BAD BOY. It's crazy! A good guy will treat you like a princess, adore you, do anything you want. So why do I still feel so restless?? It makes me wonder...can I ever be happy with a good guy if I'm still lusting for the bad?
I guess the real issue is that it is all up to me. I have convinced myself that I love this good guy...but sometimes, I find myself wondering if I am good enough for HIM. Now we are treading in the real area. I think that somehow, I'll never be able to love him as much as he loves me. I love him - how can you not love a puppy dog? I am passionate and sexy with him, I know that to him, I am the greatest. Yet, to ME - I still feel not so great...there is so much I still need to improve on...and sometimes I turn that criticism to him.
My "list" of criteria for a man in my life is quite long - but I think I find a guy and try to make him fit into the rigid list...like fitting a really big man into a really small airplane seat - once you get one ass cheek in - the other cheek falls out. And you either decide it is still safe to ride with him - and enjoy your flight. Or you find another plane.
I used to jump planes in a heartbeat. But lately, I've been riding one that has been oh, so smooth. Such a loving man, I've pretty much done all the dating "no nos" - just to test him - and he's stuck around. But does a guy like that belong with a girl like me? Do I want a guy that never questions anything I do??
And so I begin to question the relationship - and then the eyes start to drift. I catch the good guy catching me looking...and he never says anything. But I remember being the enamored girl and wondering why my guy just couldn't be happy with me...and I have reversed the roles. That makes me sad and happy at the same time.
I have learned to control my wild behavior...settle down, I guess, but I won't lie...I miss it. I miss that I didn't have anyone else's heart to worry about but my own and that I could change partners at the drop of a hat. I miss the unfeeling sex and that I worried only about ME. But if I decided to leave my current love for something "bad" , I would miss the hugs, the kisses, the back scratches, the grocery-carrier, the adoring, sweet looks, the warm dinners, the cuddles, and, yes, the wonderful love-making sex. I have a lot more to lose now, then I did then, and THAT - is why good guys are so much better to wait for then the bad.
Ps. I started writing this, thinking I would convince myself to leave my good guy cuz I was missing the bad. I have changed my mind. Hoo-Ha. :-D
posted by Spitfire @ 7:44 AM
1 Comments:
I asked Violet yesterday if it was enough to have someone who loves you, but not as much as you love them. And I can't decide. I think it's difficult to be on either end of the spectrum. I can't decide which would be more difficult. I think if I was the one to love more, I'd be afraid that they would get tired of me. Yet being on the other side, I would wonder if I'm good enough, just as you do. I think the ideal would be an equal amount of love between you both, but is that really attainable? And if that cannot be accomplished, how great could that gap be before it became too great a burden for either of you?
This is part of the reason I've decided to take a break from dating. I cannot give of myself in a way that could foster such a relationship right now. I need the time for me to grow as an individual before I can become a part of something bigger.
I am happy for you and your good guy and I hope your love for him grows to where his love for you has already reached.
Miss you!
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