Trapped?

It's like 4am and I didn't want to forget about this blogging thing. My life has always been much too hectic. I need to slow down, but I can't seem to put on the brakes. I can feel myself burning out and I just dont' know what to do to refuel. Sometimes I think I need to workout more, sometimes, I feel like I just want to sleep all the time. And sometimes, I just want to forget about the whole world around me and just pretend they don't exist. I know I'm stressing from finals. I just need to get through the next 2 weeks and then hopefully, I'll have a better sense of my own direction. Tell me, why is it so easy to make hard choices alone, but so difficult to make easy choices with someone? I feel very...

Spitfire Rants

Today is April Fools Day...but yesterday I felt more foolish. I had an exam - Digital Surface Models - tough class, but I really like the theory. Or so I thought. My exam was RIDICULOUSLY hard for me!!! I really thought I understood everything - but ugh! and of course, it is like 40% of my grade. Sheesh! I'm screwed. And my professor wants me to get my PhD -yeah right!!!

So I turned in what I had, and I couldn't have been more disappointed in my work. Blech. It's like I can visualize what I want to say, but it takes me forever to say it. I can never be concise unless I'm speaking right to someone. Some PhD I'd make!!!

On another note, I have been dating this guy for almost a year (technically OVER a year, but I didn't call myself his girlfriend until July) and he is MUCH younger than I am - 12 years. I have really been feeling the pull of our age differences lately, and I'm not sure if that is my own restless spirit pulling me once again to do something "bigger and better" or if it is a serious concern. I feel like I've been playing mom to him alot and it wears me out. I've decided to stop doing it and see what happens. If I can refrain from being completely in control of everything. I think this will be the real test if I can endure his so -called "childish" behavior - without making any comments.

I have to remember that I once did the same foolish things...bounce checks, want to just drink 50 cent beers all night to get trashed, have sex all the time - versus now I feel the need to clean my house at every opportunity (there are few), drink martinis, and well, yes, have sex all the time - but it has to be before 9:30 cuz that is when I go to bed now!

To top it off, I miss my girlfriends I used to have in the city. I have friends now, but they are all married and planning...and somehow, I think I've become trapped into thinking that is my next step. But I'm not sure I want it to be. I forgot how old I was today - was it 33 or 34? 34!! Holy shit! Sometimes I feel so young, other times, like today, I feel tremendously old...and so the age difference is enhanced even further.

*Chuckle* My guy just gave me a kiss good bye - one of those "i'm totally in love with you" kisses...and said "God, you are so HOT - you are going to be the hottest 40 year old with a 5 year old kid". I commented that yes, I'll be the hottest 40 year old, but my kid will only be 2o r 3. :-) hehe - I guess we are on the same page after all.